One phrase forbidden in our home is “It’s so unfair.” Of course cancer is unfair, but saying that aloud is self-pitying and likely invokes bad kharma. There’s nothing fair about cancer. Short of smoking or using your microwave to make a roast, there’s not much people do that invites this disease.
That said, I am granting myself a one-day exception. Today, I am asking: “Why me? Why not one of them?”
Here are ten people more deserving of cancer.
10) That guy who talks on his cell phone LOUDER than in his normal voice. Wouldn’t it make more sense to lower his voice during a private conversation? If there’s any justice, he will catch cancer from his phone.
9) Anne Hathaway. Everyone loved her, and then everyone hated her. I don’t know why, since she seems really nice, but I’ll go along.
8) Movie talkers. Every one. Cancer of the tongue. When their doctor enters the hospital room for the first time, they can whisper “Who’s this guy? Have we seen him before?”
7) Vladimir Putin. Because he’s lived a good, full life, and yet it still seems like there’s so much more he wants to accomplish. I know this one seems really unfair, but that’s cancer.
6) People who generalize. All of them.
5) Hitler as a baby.
4) Anne Hathaway as a baby.
3) The world’s oldest living person. I mean, come on!
2) A mean blind person’s seeing eye dog.
1) Former leaders of the Khmer Rouge who talk in movie theatres.
And that’s it! If they can’t get cancer, maybe a really bad toothache or dial-up internet.