The Walking Dead (gratuitous reference)

Where's that remote?
Where’s that remote?

How do I feel right now?

Tired. Knackered. Lacklustre. Pooped out (not really; this is constipation week). Fatigued. And yet, none of these words convey the pulse-deadening loss of strength I currently feel. For example, if I need to move from the couch to the big chair to grab the remote, I spend twenty minutes visualizing that action before attempting it. I’m talking about a remote, and I’m a guy. We carry remotes from room to room just to feel those reassuring contours.

I’m no doctor, but it feels like having AIDS and mono at the same time. Sorry, that’s insensitive. AIDS and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is not typical. It’s one thing to be tired after chemo, quite another to feel like the Costa Concordia.

Here’s what happened.

I left hospital after three days of chemo, armed with a brand new type of pill to perk up my low potassium. And that was it. That was the pill that broke the pill counter’s back. I now take so many pills and needles that I can no longer keep track of my prescription drugs.

Thus, I forgot to take my daily dose of Apprepitant during the first two days at home. I also stopped my regimen of Ondansetron a day too early. So when the nausea hit, I was armed with only two-thirds of my usual anti-nauseants.

I puked ten times that day. None of it graceful. And because I couldn’t keep anything down, I became dehydrated. I even threw up the slow-release potassium pills, so that problem wasn’t getting any relief either.

I am now off to the hospital for four hours of saline hydration. Then, I will have to decide if I need one of those plastic pill-planner containers, compartmentalized for each day of the week. If the answer is yes, sell me some pleated white pants and a fanny pack and book me on an ocean cruise.

I need to feel better right now. After a record-breaking winter, cold spring and wet June, summer weather has finally arrived, just in time for the Winnipeg Fringe Festival, a weekend road trip, golf, and beach days. And I plan to be in the middle of it all. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Now, someone help me lift this laptop off of me.

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